Holding Lies Read online

  HOLDING LIES

  HOLDING LIES

  A NOVEL

  John Larison

  Copyright © 2011 by John Larison

  Lyrics to Grateful Dead songs © copyright Ice Nine Publishing Company.

  Used with permission.

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018.

  Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 307 West 36th Street, 11th Floor, New York, NY 10018 or [email protected].

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  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Larison,

  John. Holding lies : a novel / John Larison.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-61608-255-0 (alk. paper)

  1. River life--Fiction. 2. Fathers and daughters--Fiction. 3. Fly fishing--Fiction. 4. Murder--Investigation--Fiction. 5. Northwest, Pacific--Fiction. I.

  Title.

  PS3612.A6484H65 2011

  813’.6--dc22

  2011007834

  Printed in the United States of America

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Acknowledgements

  Especially for Navah and Naomi

  At times when man is overcome by the horror of the alienation between “I” and “world,” it occurs to him that something might be done.

  —Martin Buber, I and Thou

  Fare you well,

  Fare you well.

  I love you more than words can tell.

  Listen to the river sing sweet songs,

  To rock my soul.

  —Robert Hunter and Jerry Garcia, “Brokedown Palace”

  Chapter One

  HERE HE WAS straddling an alder limb above the Ipsyniho River, the bluegreen currents melting by, and through the shimmering tension of the surface, a gray space sliding back and forth from obscurity—the opalescent back of a steelhead. This was it: suspended between the worlds of water and wind and being paid for the privilege.

  And yet Hank Hazelton couldn’t shake the nagging sense that despite a lifetime of living right, of caring for his friends and his watershed, he’d nevertheless fucked up something crucial, something a better man would have gotten right. He was fifty-nine years old now but only half as sure as he’d been at thirty. Could it be, this was it? Because it sure felt like this moment and this river and this lifetime had been severed from their proper place and sentenced for all eternity to flow in circles.

  “Right there,” he again called to his dude, who was casting from the bank. “Along that seam.”

  Those fish and this river were inexplicably linked—any thought of one conjured images of the other. His clients thought of them differently; the fish were the trophy and the river the field of play. Maybe that was part of the problem.

  Steelhead. Their recovery had been a grim prospect even thirty-five years before, when he’d turned down the insurance job in Portland, bought his first boat—that grungy rapid Robert that wanted nothing more than to stall in a rapid and flip—and registered with the state marine board as a fly-fishing guide. He’d known even then that it would be a life of endless battles and increasing hardship. Though he also knew this campaign to save America’s last salmon would require that much and more, from him and everyone else. But what did it say about him, about how he’d used his life, that those fish were closer to extinction now than they’d ever been?

  What would she think, his daughter Annie, when she arrived next week, thirty-one now, twenty-six years since they’d last lived together, fourteen since they’d last seen each other, since she’d said, “You mean nothing to me.” She was so cosmopolitan now, so removed. She wouldn’t understand.

  He couldn’t forget standing on the bank of this very pool with her as a four- or five-year-old, when she still went by her given name of Riffle, when she still looked at him like he possessed something worth knowing. The sun was setting, and her hair was damp from swimming, and she was barefoot and gripping his fingers for balance as they negotiated the rocks. He had gestured toward a white sail above the water and explained that it was called an osprey and that it had naturally polarized vision and that it could dive deep into the river to capture fish. She raised an arm to block the light and said, matter-of-factly, “Catch him, Daddy. I want to ride him.”

  “Am I reaching them?” the dude called. Stan Burke, a regular, came up from San Francisco twice a year for a long weekend, three times if his construction business was doing well. Married, four children, two of them married themselves, a granddaughter on the way. To him, the river was a lighthouse on which he could take a bearing; every dollar earned brought him a step closer to the Ipsyniho’s protective harbors, to his retirement along the water. They’d first fished together in the early nineties, right after the movie, when Stan decided to “make the switch” to fly-fishing. Like so many of Hank’s clients, Stan seemed to think the most pressing ethical concern was which type of tackle you cast. “I can’t believe they let people fish indicators on this river,” he was prone to quip. “I mean, where’s the sport in that?” Despite this fervency, and a half-dozen half-baked theories on politics and religion, Stan wasn’t a bad guy to spend the day with. And he tipped well too.

  “They’re on the far-side seam,” Hank answered. “You can make the cast. Sweep deeper into the D-loop, and come over the top. Let the rod do the work.”

  The fish always chose that ledge over the run’s other holding lies. The migration route up the river, the fish’s path of least resistance, delivered them right to its protective lee. In the early years, or his early years, the late sixties, before the headwaters were logged, the tributaries dammed, the hatchery built, fish would be scattered all through this run they called Governor. The biggest fish would often sit on that ledge, the smaller ones dispersing to other lies in the pool. He’d even caught them in the knee-deep bucket on the near side, before the silt from the new road filled it in. Back then, forty thousand native steelhead spawned in the watershed. You could find a fresh fish or two in most pools most months of the year. Which, according to the old-timers, was nothing. “They’re practically extinct,” Mickie McCune, the river’s first guide, was saying then. “My first year, back in twenty-five, the cannery gillnetted eighty thousand out of the estuary and I still landed two hundred fish!” These days, the young guides were relieved when eight thousand natives returned.

  It was an even sadder story across the Northwest, with
most salmon runs completely gone and the few that remained returning at 1 or 2 percent of their historic levels. The Ipsyniho, with its rugged headwaters and vicious whitewater, was one place where there was still hope.

  The young guides. They were different, too hopped-up on proving themselves to see the whole picture, to appreciate the gravity of what was happening around them. The river to them was a basketball court or a half-pipe—a place to demonstrate how “badass” they were. “Chargers,” his longtime friend and fellow guide Caroline Abbot called them. “Just listen to them,” she said. “When they land a few in a session, they ‘slaughtered them.’ When they get skunked, they had their ‘ass handed to them.’ It’s the language of evisceration. It’s the language of war.”

  Hank didn’t know about that, but he did know that he couldn’t stand their phony regard for the fish. They preached restoring the habitat, preached safeguarding the gene pool, but then they didn’t do shit to help. They didn’t help drop logs in the spawning tribs, count redds, fight the State’s new broodstock program, nothing. They talked like they were the most pious on the river, more pious than you, but they didn’t do anything. Except allow their clients to catch too many fish.

  For as long as Hank had been working the river, there had been an unwritten rule among the guides: two fish and you’re out. Once a client had caught two fish, the guide was to ensure he didn’t get another one. Sabotage on a steelhead river was an easy thing. Hank knew a dozen runs that looked greasy but never held a fish. And he must have known a hundred submerged boulders or ledges that even to the most experienced eye looked ideal—walking-speed current and foam dotting the surface—but that had a secret upwelling or swirling eddy or some other glitch that ensured no fish would ever hold there.

  It was a speed difference, really, between the generations. These young guides rushed everywhere. They talked like they oared like they fished: too fast. Like if they didn’t say it or do it now, somebody else would. Maybe the humbling thirties would slow them down, teach them the truth about living, that it is better savored than devoured. And if not the thirties, then definitely the fifties, when their balance wavered, their bladders contracted, and they became invisible to the girls in town.

  Poor Annie: these were the men of her generation. He only hoped they had deeper regard for women than they did for watersheds.

  The worst of the new breed was Justin Morell. “As in the mushroom,” he’d said when they first met at a ramp three years back. Justin was a body counter. Like all these young guys, he had a website, and he posted how many fish were caught on each trip, as if that was the indicator of how excellent the day had been. Two landed, four hooked. Four landed, eight hooked. Impressive stats, for sure; the guy’s clients almost always caught something, but still . . . Surely a guide had other responsibilities.

  What made Justin’s crime worse, what made it a crime in the first place, was that he wrote articles about the river for the national magazines touting how many fish could be caught here. Of course, Justin came off looking like a chest-pounding chimp—like one of those guys so common out West who spends thousands to jack up his truck until a Prius could drive straight through unscathed. But now the clients were showing up expecting to land multiple fish. Twice in the last year, Hank had had dudes, anglers who’d each caught two fish, tip him twenty bucks—as if they’d been skunked! One of them had said, “It was fun, but I was expecting better fishing.” The other had said, “Do you know Justin Morell?”

  “Do you think we could try from the other side?” Stan asked as Hank neared. “I don’t think I’ll ever make that cast.”

  Hank never fished from that far bank. It just wasn’t something locals did. You fished Governor from river-right; that’s the way it had been for eighty years and that’s the way it should stay. Respect the ritual; something in this world had to remain consistent. “Lots of trees over there and a tough wade.”

  Stan examined the far shore, holding the rod now, not casting. He’d all but given up. “I’d sure like to try. I’ll never get a cast to those fish.”

  Hank nodded at the boat. “Come on. I got a spot downstream, a real juicy seam. And a closer cast.”

  They climbed into the boat, and Hank oared them out into the current, and as they left the pool, Stan muttered, “I could’ve made that wade.”

  If Annie saw Hank right now, oaring a wealthy man down the river, pointing out fish that he, on his own, couldn’t have caught, if she saw this, would she think it was a petty way to spend a life?

  Since he’d last seen her, she’d gone to Brown, earned a graduate degree. She was three years into a big-shot career, an ethicist at a major hospital. He sometimes looked up photos of her online, the hospital’s official image of her (black suit, black glasses, only the slightest curve of a smile), the three images of her that had run in newspapers (hurried, addressing a crowd, standing beside an embattled surgeon). What hurt most was that if he’d seen her on a street corner, he might not have recognized her. So formal and official was she now, so yuppie. So unlike the little girl in the photo he carried in his wallet: dancing circles around a shore fire, propelled by the freedom of the river life.

  She had called and asked to come. He didn’t know why, but it had occurred to him that maybe Rosemary, her mother, was ill. “No, she’s fine. It’s nothing like that.” But Annie hadn’t said what it was like.

  For the past month, the impending visit had disrupted his routine, the daily pattern he’d carved for himself. It had been a pattern he considered perfectly functional and sustainable: wake an hour before fishing light; two cups of coffee and fill the thermos; hitch the boat if he had a client or throw the rods in the truck if not; fish until midafternoon; return home and nap; wake and make dinner, eat with Caroline, his oldest friend Walter, or an open book; tie a few flies; maybe watch half a movie; asleep by 8:00 p.m. Sometimes he ventured outside this pattern, went out for dinner, stayed over at Caroline’s house, drove into town to see a movie, but usually he found himself stepping where he’d stepped yesterday. He liked it that way, liked the ceremony. He’d learned early that freedom must be shored somehow; otherwise it spills in all directions, its energies diffusing until they stagnate. But now, since Annie had bought the tickets, he found himself working on the house in the mornings he didn’t have a client, fixing the dry rot in the bathroom or repainting the spare bedroom. He didn’t give a shit about home improvement, and yet, there he was with a cordless drill.

  “Here we are,” Hank said, anchoring the boat. They stepped into the shallows, and Hank pointed toward the water. “This spot is called Melted Glass. Cast there.” They were only thirty feet away, even Stan could make the presentation.

  He imagined Annie in a big city apartment, one of those with sprawling wood floors and wall-sized windows. He imagined her taking her coffee in the morning, watching the rain slide down the glass and the antlike people scurrying far below. She would be used to a certain ease of life, a certain level of affluence. She wouldn’t be used to freedom.

  Stan’s tenth or twelfth cast landed right, the waker immediately chugging toward the bank. The fish came fast, swatting at it with its tail and throwing a wall of water. Stan jerked the fly away and said, “Holy fuck.”

  “Loosen your grip on that rod,” Hank called. “Don’t set the hook.” She wouldn’t be comfortable here. She’d leave early. She wouldn’t be glad she’d come.

  This time, the fish took solidly, and Stan did nothing, perfectly. The reel was screaming, the rod bucking, and the fish somersaulted over the lip of the rapid and out of the pool.

  Stan was yelling, “Do it to me, baby! Yes, yes, YES!”

  Hank lit a cigarette. It was moments like these that made him feel like a pimp.

  *

  THEY WERE ROUNDING the last oxbow, having just run Whitehorse Rapid, drinking ale at Stan’s insistence in honor of the two fish he’d caught, when Hank spotted the boat broadside on the midstream gravel bar. It was a low-sided ClackaCraft, orange guide
stickers. Only two people had a boat like that around here; he hoped it was Danny Goodman’s, owner of the fly shop in town and a longtime guide. Always a good guy to share the water with.

  “I’ve never had a fish take like that before. I mean, Jesus!”

  There wasn’t a run to swing on either side of the bar, no reason to stop the boat there. Maybe Danny had found a new spot. Danny was always finding new spots.

  As they drifted closer, he noticed an oar was missing and the anchor was up. He studied the banks, then the water around them. Someone had lost that boat. Someone had gotten thrown.

  “That boat looks abandoned,” Stan said. Then with more urgency, “Hey, that boat is abandoned!”

  He was still a double-haul away when he spotted the Fish Fear Me decal. It was Justin Morell’s boat. And a minute later, as he dropped anchor alongside it, he saw the smear of blood across the oarsman’s seat.

  Chapter Two

  HANK MET SHERIFF Carter and the fire department’s search-and-rescue team at Millican Ramp, a mile down from Whitehorse Rapid. He’d called them from Stan’s cell phone, just before Stan drove his rented Camry back to his motel in town. Only now did Hank realize Stan forgot to tip.

  “I stopped at Morell’s apartment on the way up,” Sheriff Carter said, catching his own reflection in a passenger window, adjusting his badge. “His boat wasn’t there.”

  “That’s because it’s on the bar.” Carter could be a bit distracted sometimes, especially when he expected reporters to show up.

  “Called Danny at the shop,” Carter said, repositioning his belt and holster now. “They didn’t give Morell a trip today.”

  Hank helped drop the search-and-rescue sled in the river, buckled on the fire department’s thick red PFD, and took a seat near the bow. The boat drifted back from the ramp, then tipped deep into the pool as the four-cylinder roared to life. Two seconds later, they skipped out on top, planing now at full throttle. It was a different river from a boat like this, a staircase of jumps, a place where current didn’t matter and landmarks blurred; it was just another highway.